Divorce Grief - It’s complicated!
Divorce is about change, and change is about loss. Even when that change is positive and for the best, you are leaving something behind. Something that was once important and valuable. Something and someone who you once loved and who you thought loved you. That’s big. Even if you have been thinking about divorce for a long time, and are the one to initiate it, divorce is still hard and still a loss.
In my divorce coaching practice, I meet clients who are at all stages of divorce. Each of them is working through a different aspect of that loss. Each of their experiences is unique, yet they all share some aspect of grief, even when they tell me they are “so over it!”
Inevitably, when people share their story in that first discovery session, they tear up. The tears are a physical response to the fear of change and the reality of loss. Tears are one of the physical manifestations of grief. People apologize to me for crying, but this is a no judgment zone. You are in a safe space. I want you to feel your feelings without guilt or shame or embarrassment, because divorce grief is a natural emotional and psychological experience that follows the end of a marriage. You are not just mourning the loss of the relationship, you are mourning the loss of a long assumed future, the end of a shared life with your kids under one roof, and the shift in the many roles and relationships that existed during the marriage.
Though divorce may be a common experience in the world today, it is a significant life transition for everyone involved. It's normal to experience grief as you come to terms with the loss of your marriage. In some ways, it’s not that different from the grief you may experience after a miscarriage. Miscarriage is common. But just because it happens to women all the time doesn’t mean it isn’t emotionally painful for you. It is the loss of a future, the loss of possibility, and a loss that you never expected would happen.
What Does Divorce Grief Feel Like?
Divorce grief can feel like an emotional roller coaster. It can include feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, and even relief. Expect the range of emotions. Expect to feel happy, ecstatic, joyful, and excited one moment AND fear, loneliness, and even guilt in the next. Grief is not a single event and doesn’t have a specific time frame. It is a process that is unique to each person.
It’s Complicated!
Divorce involves issues that make grieving even more complicated. You may have unresolved conflicts from your marriage. You may be in a difficult co-parenting situation. Your social circles may be disrupted, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Your sense of self and identity may be challenged which can lead to feelings of failure or shame. And of course, you have the added stress of the legal and financial uncertainties which increase the emotional burden.
How Long Will I Feel This Pain?
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages happen for many, but not all, divorced individuals. The timing, order and length of grieving can vary for each person. Some say divorce grief can last 6 months to 2 years. When I was going through my divorce, I asked a friend who had gone through divorce 20 years before me, how long will this pain last? She said with knowing authority, 3 years. That hurt me to hear and I didn’t want to believe it. But she wasn’t far off. I believe that divorce grief can last in different degrees for many years. When you lose a person in your life, you don’t get over the loss so much as learn to live with it. The pain may lessen, but it will always be there. You feel healed and then something happens that triggers the pain. It can take you by surprise. That doesn’t mean you never heal. It simply means that you carry the loss. It’s part of you. Just like when you break a bone, and it heals. You may still have random moments of pain that you just weren’t expecting.
Healing from Divorce Grief
Just as grief is a process, so is healing.
The first step is allowing yourself to feel. Give yourself permission to feel the loss. You don’t have to tough it out!
The next step is to find the support you need. I believe the best support may be a divorce coach. When I work with clients through divorce I encourage them to:
Acknowledge their emotions: Don't suppress your feelings, even if they seem intense.
Substitute judgment for curiosity: don’t judge yourself or your feelings, they are there to send you a message.
Journal: Write down your thoughts and feelings, even the hard ones.
Remember your strengths: Reflect on your accomplishments and positive qualities.
Set goals: Identify what you want to achieve in your life now, both personally and professionally.
Rediscover yourself: This is a time to explore your interests and hobbies and give yourself permission to take time for yourself.
Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms: Don't use alcohol, drugs, or other substances to numb your feelings.
And finally, recognize that grief is a process. It takes time. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your small victories. It may feel like you are taking baby steps. That’s ok. As Nike says, “Just do it”. Hope, joy and opportunity will be waiting for you.
