Co-parent Communication: 3 methods to CLEAR the way
Have you ever felt like you were talking to a wall that refused to respond or text back? Or maybe it’s a hostile wall, a wall that gaslights you, or blames you and turns your words around so you don’t know how to regain your focus. That’s what it can feel like when you are trying to communicate with your co-parent. Life just seems to escalate in stress and dysfunction. It can be infuriating and overwhelming. You are not the only one suffering. Your kids feel the stress too.
In my experience as a divorce coach, I have learned multiple techniques to help you walk through this communication minefield. Some are designed to help you limit conflict, some are designed to help you communicate your needs, and all of them are focused on diminishing conflict so your kids feel safe. These techniques help you practice a new habit. You won’t be perfect or consistent right off the bat, it takes learning and repetition. So if you don’t get it right the first time, don’t give up! It’s a process.
In this article, I will walk you through 3 different processes that can help you transform your communication patterns and get more of what you need. These techniques share many attributes, but have different nuances. You can choose from each method. All are designed to help you get your message across with efficiency and clarity and aim to remove the emotional explosions that are often embedded in high conflict conversations.
BIFF - Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm
BIFF was created by Bill Eddy as a technique to reduce conflict in co-parenting communication. Eddy is an expert in the field, and he created this scaffolding for communication at a workshop for divorce professionals who wanted an “easy to remember” framework for their clients.
First, make your communication Brief.
When you respond to your co-parent, you may have lots to say! Some of it is productive and some not. Be Brief. Use fewer words. Ask yourself - what do I want and what are the key issues? That’s it. They don’t need every detail, just what is most important. Too many words cloud the main issue.
Next, make sure you are conveying Information. If you have a request, make sure you are seeking information. Lead with information not emotion, and close with information. This is easier said than done. So practice. Write everything you want to say down, and then start cutting! It is so easy to get sucked into the emotional vortex that whips up your entire history in every conversation. In your co-parent communication, keep it simple and informative. Share or ask for the information that matters the most.
Third, check your tone. Bill Eddy says this should be Friendly, but sometimes you just don’t want to be friendly, so keep it factual. This may feel repetitive of the informative cue above. That’s because it is. Information doesn’t need to convey who is right or wrong. Especially if it is an email or text. Though you may want to spew every angry thought you have, practice avoiding that habit. Think about what will get you closer to what you want and need. When you dredge up history, the receiver of the message turns off. It’s like the “waa waa waa” voice of the teacher in Charlie Brown.
Finally, be Firm. Share the information in a way that is clear and not open to debate. Give a time in which you would like a response, and let your co-parent know that if you don’t hear within that time frame you will assume they have received the information and will act from there.
CIC - Concise, Informative, and Civil
In my CDC divorce coach training, Pegotty and Randy Cooper introduced the acronym, CIC - Concise Informative and Civil. The second C for Civil blends the friendly/firm. This is not about being nice, it is about being clear and using non-triggering language.
I had a client who practiced a CIC statement with me. My client was locked in combat with her partner over a specific situation. Together, we practiced her communicating the issue in a way that was concise and shared information. I noticed, however, that she wanted to add a clause that didn’t add information, but instead called out her partner in a shaming/blaming way. When I asked her to consider sharing the communication without the last clause, she paused. Surprised, she said she never considered that and decided to test it out. She started to recognize that the add-on phrase was counter productive. Additionally, she realized that this old pattern hadn’t gotten her the results she wanted. They were still stuck. The fact is that when you communicate without embedding complaints and judgment in the communication, you have a greater chance of getting what you need. At our next session, my client shared that she used the technique and didn’t add the follow up phrase. They were able to have a real conversation that opened up meaningful discussion of the issue. It shifted them to focus on the issue and not the fight.
CLEAR - Concise, Listener-Ready, Essential, Appropriate, and Relevant
Trina Nudson, the visionary behind the BeH2O™ child focused co-parenting process, created the acronym CLEAR. CLEAR communication focuses on ensuring your message is Concise, Listener-Ready, Essential, Appropriate and Relevant. What CLEAR adds is a structured dimension to communication that addresses the needs of the parties when they are delivering and receiving information.
It is notable that all these methods emphasize concise communication. Share only information that is necessary to the issue. Unnecessary information distracts from your goals and gets you and your co-parent off-track. You want to focus on the issue, not the conflict.
The timing of your message matters. My clients often struggle over when and how to share information with their co-parent. This is normal. Think about what triggers you when you receive unexpected texts and emails, and utilize strategic empathy to design a plan that acknowledges the potential trigger for your co-parent. When initiating this change, share that you know you also may not have held to a consistent communication timetable and would like to start now. Then honor that with your co-parent. Building a system for when and how to convey information isn’t easy, especially if your communications have been ad hoc up to now. But it goes a long way toward ensuring that both of you are listener-ready to receive texts and emails.
Getting back to basics, convey only Essential information and focus on what truly matters. Make sure your tone is Appropriate. The more you reflect on your tone, the more likely your co-parent will hear the message you are seeking to convey. And lastly, make sure what you are sharing is Relevant. Don’t add insults or blame or bring up something that is not related to the current issue. The insults and blame keep the conversation in the past. You want to move forward.
Ultimately, your goal is to share information so that your child’s needs are taken care of. When we get stuck in the muck of the conflict because we don’t know how to share information, we often lose sight of the real issue and shared purpose which is raising kids who feel safe and loved.
Make that message your mantra. I want my kids to feel safe and loved. And deliver your message in a way that keeps the focus on the kids and off the conflict. If you have questions or want to learn more about effective communication techniques for co-parent communications, reach out to lisa@lzlcoaching.com or schedule your complimentary 30 minute strategy session here.
