The Hub, the Spokes, the Wheel
When I tell people I’m a divorce coach, they give me a smile, a curious glance and ask, so what exactly do you do?
Let me explain.
In the field of divorce, there are a myriad of categories of professionals who exist for support. However, very few individuals going through divorce have any idea where to turn. In fact, most people only think about one professional when they think about divorce - the lawyer.
That was certainly me when I started my journey into divorce over 10 years ago. The thought of finding an attorney terrified me. Beside the closing on my home, I never needed a lawyer before. And I AM a lawyer! That made me even more terrified! I didn’t know who else to turn to, I just knew I needed to be protected, and I thought the only professional who could protect me was an attorney.
I know better now.
Obviously, attorneys play a vital role in the process, but there are professionals who can work with clients before the legal process even begins. The adversarial process doesn’t have to be the only path. Divorce coaches, mediators, financial advisors, mortgage professionals, and more all can work with divorcing clients even before they engage the lawyer so the clients are prepared and better equipped to make the best choices for themselves and their families. When you begin the process by learning who you are, what you have, what you need and where you want to go, you can be sure that your process will be smoother, less adversarial, more efficient, and more focused on the future rather than on payback and retribution.
The first, and I suggest, central player on this divorce support team should be the divorce coach. In many ways, a divorce coach is like a primary care physician. The one person who sees the whole client, hears the story and all its facets and variables, and learns what the client wants and needs by taking the time, paying attention, and asking questions that go to the heart of what’s at stake for the client. The divorce coach’s role is to center the client as they discover the questions they need to ask themselves, and the questions they need to ask their spouse, as well as the questions they have for their lawyers, financial professionals and others on their team.
The divorce coach acts as the central point person that helps the client evaluate what else they need to know so they can guide the client toward other experts who could become part of the client’s team. Think of the divorce coach like the hub of a bicycle wheel and the other professionals as the spokes. The client will feel supported and heard. They will gain insight and awareness about the many dimensions of their situation that they may not have seen before, and which may not be part of the technical legal strategy but are still important to the client and their family. The divorce coach educates the client about all the facets of the divorce landscape and helps the client gain awareness about 1) what they know, 2) what they know they don’t know and 3) what they don’t know they don’t know. This comes from building awareness.
What else does the divorce coach do?
I listen. I really listen. My only stake in this process is to hear what my clients say and what they are saying underneath the story they are telling me. My goal is to help them uncover the issues that are getting in the way of their future so they can move forward with clarity, confidence and courage. So much of our clients’ struggles are embedded in their divorce stories. As their divorce coach, I work with clients to rewrite that story. We develop new tools and strategies that reinvigorate buried strengths. We invest time in identifying the client’s vision and values so that they can show up as their best self, even when pushed. We explore options the client may never have considered, and design a mission statement for their divorce journey that they can return to when the divorce process gets really rough. Because it will. However, with the support of a coach, and a team, the client has built the resources they need to walk through the difficult moments and discover new possibilities. It’s all there in the work.
So returning to the question, what exactly do I do as a divorce coach? I walk my client down the path of divorce. We test different roads, and different opportunities. We may hit some bumps, but our ride will be steadier because we have a solid structure in place. My clients are centered. That’s what I do, I help my clients build the support structure both outside themselves, and within themselves, and that creates strength that continues well beyond the divorce process.
