The Divorce Freedom Story
As we enter the Jewish holiday of Passover, and celebrate the transition from slavery to freedom, from degradation to redemption, the somewhat obvious parallels to the experience of divorce in our lives jump out at me. Here’s a short illustration of how the stories touch each other.
Slavery to Freedom
Whether we choose it or not, divorce is a move from one status to another, from connection to disconnection, from feeling trapped to becoming free. This is a very real thing. So many people who go through divorce live for a long time in a relationship in pain. They may spend years wondering “should I stay or should I go?” Should I take that dramatic step to get divorced or do I stay in a difficult, challenging, maybe even abusive marriage. It is never an easy decision.
In other cases, divorce is thrust upon the person. They learn in an instant that their spouse wants out. Their entire sense of security and identity is shattered, and they unexpectedly face a life they had never imagined. It can feel terrifying. Especially when there is betrayal, or when one spouse holds all the financial strings and the other realizes she had let them have financial responsibility, and now finds herself in a financial abyss not knowing where the resources are or even whether they have resources left at all.
The emotions at the beginning of divorce may exist in two kinds of strata depending on where you are in the process, and the above scenarios are only two of many. When you have been thinking about divorce a long time, you may feel relief and release at the beginning, and feel an opening that you are finally moving toward your future. When you are blindsided by your spouse, you feel shock and denial, you can’t believe this is really happening to you. Each scenario involves a different stage of mourning and grief. You must first start the mourning process before you can begin to rebuild. In the first scenario, you may have already started mourning, and you are ahead of the game and can begin to feel release. While it is true that you go through shock, feelings of anger and betrayal, a deep sadness, and fear, it is also true that you may have processed those feelings before you even asked for divorce. The real challenge is that, in either case, while you are going through early stages of divorce you have to make decisions that will impact the rest of your life, decisions that sever you from the marriage partnership, and lead you toward independence.
In both scenarios, you are moving toward freedom; it may be freedom you never asked for, but it is freedom, nonetheless.
How you respond to this change can make all the difference. Freedom is a value we are taught to cherish. What we don’t always remember is that freedom is something we fight for, and we often fight to keep. Freedom involves struggle, which can be painful and can last longer than we had hoped, but the results of that struggle can yield a future that is more powerful than we had ever imagined.
I asked two divorced friends recently whether they felt their divorces led to freedom. They both took some time to think about it, and both gave me different responses. Ultimately, they shared that yes, they felt their divorces led to freedom. For one, it felt instant - as soon as the words “I want a divorce” left her lips that last time and were accepted by her spouse, she felt free. For the other, she felt fear, because her thoughts went first to how will I live, how will I support myself, what will this freedom mean for me? It really depends on where you start in the process. And, as I’ve observed through my life experience and the experiences of my clients and friends, it is your headspace at the outset, and your perception of yourself in your marriage, that impacts how you experience the beginning of independence and freedom. Over the course of my work, I have learned that uncovering the experience of my clients’ inner self can lay the groundwork for a stronger, more empowered divorce experience, which leads to a stronger and more empowered future for my clients, their children and everyone they touch.
Transition and Change
Transitions are where life happens. William Bridges, the author of “The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments,” writes that transitions “reorient[] and develop[] us, . . . giving us access to our authentic selves, our creativity and a deeper level of spiritual significance in our experience.” (at p. 46) The divorce process is that pivotal transition. It reorients us after it disorients us. It can shake us up and overwhelm us, and then, if we are open to it, we have the freedom, the responsibility, the choice - you choose the word - to drive our divorce experience. We get to decide. I know you may be shaking your head in disbelief - how do I get to decide? My spouse is a narcissist/bully/gaslighter. Doesn’t the louder one always drive the process? If you want to relinquish your control to that idea, then it will be true. But it doesn’t have to be true. The number one rule in divorce that I encourage my clients to return to over and over again is this:
You get to make the decisions on how you show up.
The change you are experiencing is the fact of becoming divorced after being married. The transition is the process to get there. When I was going through the transition, I felt like my only choice was to hire a lawyer and then maybe we could reach a resolution with a mediator. But I never really examined what that meant for me. I never sat down with my lawyer and discussed what I wanted my future to look like, what my options could be in terms of working or not working, or where I would live, what I wanted for my kids in terms of support and time sharing, and if time sharing came down to a disagreement why I wanted one percentage and not the other. Or if I did have that discussion, I don’t remember it.
What I do remember is what I heard from my lawyer, which was, “I think I can get you this, most people get this, and this is what I would want for my kids, don’t you want that?” I never really explored my own vision, because no one ever asked me or if they asked, I was too afraid to hear. And I didn’t ask myself. Now that I am doing this work, I see how valuable a divorce coach could have been for me, especially from the start. Had I been more clear on my wants and needs from the beginning, things likely could have concluded faster, and I would have felt more satisfied with the result.
And there’s more! Had someone asked me what might get in the way of me getting what I wanted, I might have really considered how my ex would have responded when faced with a request/demand from me. How could I phrase something differently? How could I share information so it is in all of our interests, and not about one of us winning and one of us losing? These are powerful questions that go to the heart of how I could have shown up on behalf of myself, our kids and our 21+ year marriage. I could have done it differently. I do this work now, so that you can show up for yourself differently too, with clarity, confidence and courage.
Responsibility and Action
When you begin the divorce journey, you may be so overwhelmed with the responsibilities you have toward all the people in your life that you freeze. You know you need to do something, but you feel like you can’t do anything. This is when an outside voice can kickstart you to action.
We begin at the beginning - not the beginning of your life story - we leave that for you and your therapist! We begin at the beginning of your divorce story. Where you are now, and where you want to go. And then we discuss what are the practical steps you need to take to get there. This is a first level practical discussion where you identify where you need to go legally, financially, residentially, etc. so that we can identify options for how to get there.
But sometimes, you are stuck in a mindset loop. Sometimes, we need to get to the heart of what’s keeping you stuck before we can get to the business of working through the technical things. This is where we work on who you are, what are your values, who you want to be seen as, and what do you want to be remembered for in this divorce? We talk about your strengths, even in cases where you feel like you have forgotten them. I remind you that what was once inside you, is always inside, it just may have been asleep for awhile. It’s time to wake that powerful person up and stand for yourself so you can take responsibility for your divorce and begin to take action.
Working together, we can separate the emotions of divorce from the business of divorce.
You will begin to take the positive steps toward meaningful change in your life. That may mean writing up your life vision statement. Craft a long term goal plan for the next 5, 10, 25, 50 years, and begin to write the list of the big dreams you want to achieve. Identifying your mentors and the traits they had that you admire, will help you define your own strengths. If you can see it, you can be it. Trite but true. Once you have identified and articulated your values, strengths and the contours of your new identity, it is time to take some action steps. They don’t have to be big steps so long as they move you forward toward your goals.
Gratitude and Hope
Now that you have begun to shift, to transition to a new mode of thinking and being in the world and to take action steps toward those goals, you can feel gratitude for your new awareness and hope for the future. Hope is really key to showing up differently during your divorce. When you see a light in the future, when you begin to have hope that things will be different. When you realize that you are in charge of your destiny, gratitude and hope will transform your outlook on life. You are continuing to transition, but the transition has a target. It is no longer a swirling black hole of chaos or sameness that never ends. Divorce is the change that leads to a new you. It is your launch to freedom. To freedom. To independence. To hope and to tomorrow.
For more from Lisa Lisser, CDC certified Divorce Coach®, DCA certified Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach®, Spiritual Counselor, MA Education, JD, check out www.lzlcoaching.com. Or view her streaming show, The Divorce Coaching Clarity Show here. Click here to schedule a complimentary strategy session with Lisa.
