How a Divorce Coach Helps Us Write (or Rewrite) The Stories of Our Lives
How many of us have felt flattened by life? How often have we felt that the life we planned didn’t happen? When did we feel so discouraged that we just wanted to give up?
These feelings rear their ugly heads often during the course of divorce - in the lead up to making the decision to divorce, in the blur of the divorce process, and after the divorce when life looks so different than what we had previously imagined.
We all grow up telling ourselves stories about how we imagine our lives will turn out. I vividly remember an assignment in first grade where we had to create a timeline of our life. I designed my timeline as follows: at 21, I would graduate college, at 25, I would get married, and by 35, I would have 3 children. Remarkably, it all worked out exactly that way! Only, not really. Life is in the details. The timeline didn’t show the struggles, it didn’t show family strife and a child’s chronic illness. It didn’t show marital conflict and power struggles. It didn’t show the erosion of trust and betrayal. It didn’t show divorce.
The story I told about myself and my life stopped being true. Maybe it was never true. But it was my dream and my expectation. I told myself it had to be true. When I failed at my story, I was left with disappointment and shame. I felt lost and alone. I needed a divorce and to me, that meant, I needed a lawyer. I mean, didn’t I? And I guessed, a mediator. But I didn’t know how mediation worked. And maybe a therapist. I mean, I felt broken. I didn’t know what to ask for from these professionals. I didn’t really know what I needed or what they could provide. I didn’t even realize that I needed a financial advisor, too. I thought that was the lawyer’s job. It wasn’t. There was no one who could help me tie all the professionals together. I was alone.
I survived my divorce, and through fits and starts, I redesigned my life. I made mistakes. I learned. I made more mistakes and I learned some more. Don’t get me wrong. I had lots of joy along the way. I met new people, developed new relationships. I engaged in deep work in leadership development, pursued a masters in Jewish education, experienced immersive learning in addiction recovery work, became certified as a spiritual counselor and then discovered there was a field called divorce coaching. I had found my calling. This was my “aha” moment. My present work is to help others walk down the path of divorce with a bit less struggle and with a lot more support. My role is to help my clients rewrite their stories with more confidence, clarity and courage as they move into the next chapters of their lives.
This is the true and unique value of hiring a divorce coach. I give my clients permission to grieve and to create. Both/And. My clients gain the confidence to be the authors of their lives. They write new stories. They let go of what “should” be and make room for what “could” be. They heal the disappointment and grief that comes at the end of the marriage chapter of their story and begin questioning assumptions to uncover unexplored strengths and create new opportunities. Ultimately, they find the courage and confidence to stand for themselves in the present and build their future on a new foundation that enables them to go beyond what they had previously imagined.
For me, even now, eight years after my divorce was final, and 11 years after my separation began, I have found great strength in becoming a divorce coach and in working with a coach on my own. I consider it a blessing to be doing this work. I’m writing my new story every day. Coaching keeps me on track. Coaching helps me guide my clients to create their best futures. Taking advantage of the power of coaching, might feel like a risk, a leap into the unknown. But for those experiencing divorce, everything is unknown. Be the author of your life, and find the support you need to rewrite your story with your future in mind. It’s your turn to be creative, resourceful and curious. You have the strength, whether you believe it or not. Write your new story. You will be the hero you dream of.
