Can you stay friends with an ex-spouse?

Can you stay friends with an ex-spouse?

It’s a question I have researched and really studied over. What kind of friendship are you looking for? What kind of conflict caused the breakup of your marriage? Who were you when you got married, during the marriage and now after the agreement is signed and you are both moving forward with your lives. 

I don’t know if you can really be friends with your ex, but I do know that there is a way to be friendly and civil together, and to work cohesively to raise your children. That’s the key factor - how you are when you are together around your children. What values do you want to instill in them about conflict, divorce and love? When you are committed to your children’s well-being, as most of us are, you can find the space in your heart to build peaceful bridges with your ex-spouse, even when the bridges don’t lead to actual friendship. Let’s face it. Friendship has multiple facets. Trust is one of them. If trust is gone, it is hard to be friends. If the dynamic is abusive or toxic, and you need to protect yourself when you are in contact with that ex, you can be civil but maybe not friends. I am not here to suggest you be friends with your abuser. But I will say, sometimes we bring out the worst in each other. When one of us shifts, the paradigm shifts. Can you find compassion or empathy for a non-empathetic spouse? Sometimes, marriages dissolve due to lack of compassion and lack of empathy. You are not going to grow those capacities in your ex, but you can grow them in yourself. And one thing I have learned, when it comes to co-parents, strategic empathy is something you can build. You are building it for your children, not because your ex deserves it, but because your children deserve to have parents who can be their best selves even when it’s hard.

When you acknowledge the pain that you feel as a result of your co-parent/ex’s behavior, you can forgive. Not necessarily your ex, but yourself. We all blame ourselves in some ways for allowing ourselves to be treated badly. How could I have let that happen, we ask ourselves. You are different now. Instead of being angry at your old self, who was doing the best they could with the information and skills they had, you can forgive yourself and allow yourself to move forward. Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help you regain faith in yourself.  Now is the time to regain agency over your feelings. Only you have the power to do that. That means that if you want to be friendly with your spouse, despite past bad behavior, you can. Just don’t mistake friendliness and civility for friendship. They are not the same thing. 

Friends come into your life for different reasons and different seasons. Your ex spouse will be in your life forever if you have kids together. And if you don’t have kids together, maybe you should take this opportunity to move on. Life is giving you a message. You can close the door on one relationship in order to open another for a different kind of relationship. You simply need to make sure that you are not holding on out of habit or in the hopes of reconnecting. That kind of friendship will not allow you to grow. 

In my case, I had a very tumultuous divorce. We thrived on drama, and drama we had. But over time, after the divorce was over, we learned how to step out of the drama and into our roles as co-parents. We didn’t always agree and sit on the same page, but when there was a need to be together for the kids we did it. I would say we did it with grace. 

Twice, we were able to take vacations together - or at the same time - with our children because our daughters were studying abroad and wanted us to visit the same weekend. We managed to travel together with fewer demands and expectations of each other, and we all had a remarkably good time. There was no pressure because we weren’t concerned about disappointing or challenging each other. It was actually fun. Did that make us friends? No. It made us co-parents. There was a time I described my ex as like my irritating brother. He’s part of my family. He will always be part of my family. I can’t control him or make him into something or someone else, but I can accept him as he is for the sake of our kids. What I’ve learned is that this approach has reduced the conflict not only between us, but when the kids are with us. We traveled to two college graduations together and one of our children’s weddings. We walked him down the aisle together. 

Does that mean we are friends? I think that means we are family.