A Post-Divorce Discovery

Last weekend, I was struggling. I didn't have anything scheduled for a Saturday night. Ultimately, the world was conspiring in favor of me, because when I went to bed with a scratchy throat, I thought - oh, that’s odd, am I getting a summer cold? And when I woke up and it felt a little worse, I took a Covid test, just to be sure it wasn’t Covid. Lo and behold, it was. So my evening alone with my good book and my furry friend was a sign that staying in was the right way to go. 

In the world of post-divorce, relationships have different meanings.  After a while, the search changes. It is no longer a quest to re-partner because everyone in your social circle is partnered. It is no longer your need to be partnered because you’ve been partnered for more of your life than not. It is not a quest to re-partner because you may feel you only know yourself as someone’s partner. It is a quest for a partner who complements you, not completes you. Tom Cruise’s romantic line from the movie Jerry McGuire “You complete me,”  is wrong. (Though I melted when I first saw it on screen.)

For some of us post divorce, we who have felt unwanted and unappreciated by our spouses for years, the idea of being the object of someone else’s attention and affection is compelling. Some women date right away and get into relationships and partner up immediately. I was one of those women. I thought that person was my soulmate. I thought he was the one I was going to marry. And then, four and a half years later, it was over. I was crushed. The loss of that relationship and the dream collapsed on me and I felt a deep hole in my soul. 

After a couple of months, I started dating to fill that hole.

And I dated a lot. I went on the apps. I kissed men just to see what that was like. I jumped in too fast. I wanted to fall in love again and I made lots of wrong moves. I also knew that even when I was in a relationship with someone, it wasn’t really love. They weren’t “the one.”

After a few years, and a few relationships, I met someone who seemed like he could be the one. I wanted him to be the one, but it became clear that he really wasn’t. What I was starting to discover was that I may have been looking for the wrong person. 

I should have been looking for me.

Part of the experience of divorce is the experience of self-discovery. Learning about yourself and your strengths, your weaknesses, your vision, your hopes and your dreams. When I first started my divorce process, I did some of this, but all in the context of being recoupled and being influenced by the person I was recoupled with.  

Discovering who you are after a long marriage, kids, a career may sound counter-intuitive. Of course, you know who you are! You’ve been doing it for years. But now everything is different. And maybe along the way, you lost your sense of self in service to everyone else in your life and work and causes. You were active, accomplished, respected. And now, you are alone and you need to give honor to the person who you were and who you are. Now is the time to reconstruct yourself. 

Part of the coaching journey is one of deconstruction. We go back in your life and uncover all those parts of you where you found your strength, your passion, your identity. Those times when you were in the zone.  We identify the circumstances that took over your life and raise them up with honor. We don’t judge. We learn.

And then we begin to rebuild. You are a masterpiece. We are not putting the pieces of your puzzle back together, rather we are building a new lego castle where you are the hero of the story. It’s not easy. Sometimes, the castle gets knocked down. And then we start again. 

Now, you are getting to know yourself again. When that happens, your light begins to shine from the inside out. You can create whatever you want to create.  Life may throw you some limits, and you can evaluate them, turn them over, and throw them back. Or add them to your castle.

I’m no longer looking for a relationship to complete me. Every day I’m getting to know myself better and learning more about building the life I want to live. I’m the one who is creating the relationship with myself. It’s exciting because every day I get to do new things and meet new people. I get to do this life. When we recognize that life is a gift that we “get” to live, it shifts our perspective. I am so grateful for that. 

If you’d like to learn more about Lisa Lisser and her divorce/life transition coaching work, you can find her at www.lzlcoaching.com and you can book a complementary 30 minute discovery session here.