You’ve made the decision. You’re getting divorced. The looming costs of litigation scare you. How do you proceed?

Mediation is a form of alternate dispute resolution (ADR) that is utilized in many cases. In divorce mediation, you and your spouse work with a trained, neutral mediator to discuss and resolve the issues in your divorce together. The mediator is not a decision maker or an arbiter. The mediator is a facilitator who assists the parties in working through the issues related to their divorce. But what if communication between you and your soon-to-be-ex has disintegrated so far that you can’t imagine even sitting in a room together, let alone working out the details of your post-marital life? How can you even imagine mediating the issues that are central to your future?

That’s where pre-mediation divorce coaching comes in. Pre-mediation divorce coaching is a service provided to individuals who are considering or have decided to pursue divorce mediation to resolve their divorce-related issues.

The goals of pre-mediation divorce coaching are to: 1) help clients prepare for the mediation so they feel knowledgeable about the process, 2) give clients the opportunity to develop clarity about the issues that matter most to them, and 3) enable clients walk into the mediation with confidence, knowing they have the tools and information they need to ensure a productive and successful process.

During pre-mediation divorce coaching, I work with clients to:

1. Identify goals and priorities: A divorce coach can help clients clarify their goals and priorities for the mediation process. These goals can include issues such as child custody, property division, and spousal support. Walking into the mediation with a list of priorities in hand empowers clients and gives them confidence that the process can and will work. 

2. Develop a communication plan: A divorce coach can help clients develop a communication plan for the mediation process, including strategies for effective communication and conflict resolution. More often than not, the people in the mediation room are there because they have lost the ability to communicate effectively with each other. Divorce coaching offers tools and strategies to identify communication patterns and pitfalls and helps clients develop new approaches so that there is less conflict and more cooperation.

3. Manage emotions: Divorce can be an emotionally charged process, and a divorce coach can help clients manage their emotions and stay focused on their goals.  One of the key benefits of divorce coaching is the goal of separating the business of divorce from the emotions of divorce.  The divorce coach listens to the emotional stories and helps the client clear away the baggage to reveal the issues underlying the emotions.  The divorce coach may be the only person in the client’s life at that time who is really listening for meaning and this helps the client feel seen so that they can be truly present during the mediation process.

4. Prepare for negotiation: A divorce coach can help clients prepare for negotiation during the mediation process, including developing strategies for compromise and reaching agreements.  This may be one of the most important objectives of pre-mediation divorce coaching - identifying how to address what is negotiable and what may not be.  In coaching, we can role play to get to the potential areas of conflict.  The client knows his or her soon to be ex better than anyone else in the room and knows their triggers and their sticking points.  Working with a coach helps the client learn when to give with confidence, when to stand strong, and what strategy is necessary inside the mediation room to remain clear about boundaries and values.

Overall, pre-mediation divorce coaching can help clients enter the mediation process with confidence, clarity, and a clear understanding of their goals and priorities. This leads to a more productive and successful mediation and ultimately, better outcomes for all parties involved.