Have you ever considered that curiosity is a muscle? We’ve got to use it to keep it in shape.  Scientific research shows again and again that we can change our brains, and rewire our thought patterns by exercising new and different ways of thinking. In other words, we can build new neural pathways by exercising the habit of curiosity. And getting curious is certainly a powerful mental exercise. Just as building muscle gives us strength that we can call on when we really need it, building curiosity is an essential strength to master, especially when a person is going through divorce. In divorce, so often we find ourselves in situations where we feel stuck and out of choices. So often we feel trapped, like this is just the way it is and we can’t do anything about it. We know that our spouse behaves a certain way and we believe that nothing will ever change that. We grudgingly accept that that’s  reality, and we believe we are stuck with it.

But what if that’s not true? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.  When people are negotiating marital settlement agreements they often find themselves in situations where they are told that certain things are “givens,” and they are negotiating from those so-called facts as starting points.

I call them “so-called” facts because I have been wondering about these “givens.” I’ve been getting curious. Why are we so accustomed to accepting terms that we don’t like simply because we are told that that’s what the usual case gets or that’s the standard in your state or most cases have this result? What would it take for us to begin to ask some questions? Why are we so quiet, when we need to be loud? Maybe we need practice - maybe we need to exercise that curiosity muscle. And maybe we can start by questioning simpler issues in situations that are not so personal or heated.

So what might that look like?

Think about a question you have been wanting to ask, but something has held you back. It doesn’t have to be related to divorce. It can be related to anything. Friends, family, children (ok - they are family), work colleagues. The questions can be silly or serious. When I worked in a law firm, there was one partner who always wore bow ties.  I always wondered about it.  Maybe I could have asked him about it.  It’s a low value question and a conversation starter. “Tell me, why do you always wear bow ties? What’s the story behind that?” Talk to lots of people.  Smile, and ask questions.  Talk to a sales person, be kind to the person waiting on you at a restaurant and ask them something. Take an interest in people, and it will be returned. This can be really empowering when you are going through divorce.  When you are in the midst of it, it often feels like no one cares about you, and no one is on your side.  But if you can open yourself up to be interested in people around you - they will be interested back, and that will feel good.  Feeling good, and thinking about things outside of the divorce, can help keep you positive when you feel like nothing is positive. On top of that, being engaged with others, connecting and asking questions, fills your cup with positive energy and prepares you to ask the harder questions when you need to. 

So exercising is not just about building physical muscles, it’s about building curiosity muscles! Get out there! Ask questions! Get curious! The more questions you ask, the more confident you will get, and the more courageous you will be at asking the hard questions when you need to get different answers. Practicing curiosity can open up opportunities you never imagined and questions you hadn’t considered before can open doors you didn’t know existed. And that can be key to designing your best future for tomorrow and ever after.

If you want to get even more curious about how to build your curiosity muscles, schedule a free 30 minute discovery session with me Here. Working together, we will get to the heart of the questions that are keeping you up at night and the curiosity you have about how to ask for what you need and what you want. Or send me an email at lisa@lzlcoaching.com.